It never fails, I get in the mood for winter time. I get in the mood for a good book, I get nostalgic about places I want to go back to and then pow I run right smack into the craving of reading “Twilight”. However, I end up talking myself into just watching the movies, hey husband isn’t home and there isn’t anything else on television! Every time I start the first movie I am eager to watch it, then it starts and INSTANTLY I am bored out of my mind. I start playing candy crush, I start prioritizing my chores. I even start thinking about what to make for dinner. Once that movie is over you would think I would just give up, but oh no I put in the second and the worst “New Moon.” That one makes me literally want to stab myself in the eye. So much so that I just imagine what it feels like to just push something sharp into my eye.
Now that I am more than invested I pop in the better movie, “Eclipse”. I start paying attention, I even get interested. Until I get to the part where Bella graduates, and I start to once again get bored. This time instead of wanting to self-inflict some pain I want to hurt Kristen Stewart. That and I really want to give her some laxatives so maybe she won’t seem so “emotionally constipated” any more. About this time I start to wonder if I should have just read the books again, they are good. At least they hold my attention much better than the movies ever could and I don’t feel like kicking Bella’s ass.
Once that movie is over I take a break, after all I just powered through a ton of crap. By this time I try to convince myself that I should just give up, after all the movies do not get any better than this. I will only set myself up for disappointment if I continue on. Somehow, I end up convincing myself to just put in “Breaking Dawn part 1”. I’m sad to say that does nothing for me, in fact this time instead of wanting to hurt Kristen Stewart, I now desperately want to kick Taylor Lautner in the balls. Why can’t these people act? They are being paid a good deal more then I make in a year, can’t they at least buy some lessons? Why on God’s green earth did the studio allow this train wreck to continue? A train wreck I might add that cannot be watched without vomiting a little. By the time I throw the last movie in, I start to wonder why in the hell I even started watching these damn movies in the first place.
I am now at the point where I think I could create a better version of the books. I could come up with a more substantial movie that isn’t full of CRAP! At last it is all over, and there are no more movies, and I don’t have to watch Kristen Stewart try to not poop her pants.
That is until I get the urge to watch the damn movies again.
Twilight. Dir. Melissa Rosenburg. Perf. Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson. 2008. Film.