First Year Without You

The end of this month will mark the one year anniversary my family said good by to a very special person. It wasn’t until recently I realized how much she took care of everyone. My mother in law did everything for anyone who entered her home. If you were hungry she fed you, if you were down on your luck she tucked you under her wing and if you were a baby without a home she welcomed you with open arms. Unlike most mother in laws, she wasn’t in the middle of my relationship. She didn’t try to pry information or meddle where she wasn’t needed. However, she was very much apart of my life, the way my mother should have been. During her last days I was unable to spend them with her. She had been so sickly and unrecognizable that I just couldn’t bring myself to get over the fear of my own mortality.
My son, who is a little over five, was also having a hard time. I had decided his last memory of her shouldn’t be her senile and sickly. He should remember he as she was, vibrate and loving.
These days I have been thinking more and more about her. Wondering if where she is if she is happy. I am hoping she isn’t too disappointed with the way things turned out after she left. Since having to come back to this place I have been placed in the role she once had. I have to say she dealt with a lot, so much I feel like crying most days. Other days I want to tell everyone to go to hell. All that I have been through the last year and most recently the past weeks I have more respect and admiration for her then I ever did. If only others who were close to her could come to the same conclusion I have. Her strength and compassion will be missed, but that doesn’t compare to how much I miss the woman. I pray she is at peace and she will bestow within me some of her strength and grace. Where ever you are I miss you!

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